The Baby I Never Held

October 15th was National Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. Angie Smith left the following post on her blog, “Bring the Rain” (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/):

In the process (of losing a baby shortly after birth), I have met many, many
women who have lost their sons and daughters, and I have been praying about ways
to make this blog about them as well as Audrey. Last week, the Lord spoke to me,
and I was inspired to do this...

If you have lost a baby (and yes, I consider a miscarriage in ANY week to be the loss of a life) to infant death or miscarriage, I want the honor of praying for you. But I want others to be able to pray for you as well, the way they have for me. So, if you are one of those women, will you please leave a comment on this post ..

I posted a comment along with 2,116 other women.

In honor of the child we lost, I would like to share my story with you.

In 1993, we were newly weds. We had just started going to church at Calera Baptist. I had never been active in church before, and I was excited to have my own church home. Steve was the exact opposite. He had grown up in church but had gotten away during his teen years. He went through many years of rebellion with church being the last thing on his mind. As Calera is such a small town, he was very uncomfortable going back to church and felt like everyone knew everything he had ever done. Sunday mornings usually ended up being a debate to decide whether we should go to church or go fishing. A lot of the time, fishing would win. Occasionally, he would go to Sunday school, but he looked like a two-by-four sitting in the class—stiff as a board.

The week of our one-year anniversary, I found out I was pregnant. We were overjoyed and scared to death at the same time. Everything was going great with the pregnancy until I went for a routine doctor’s appointment when I was around 15 weeks along. They could not find the baby’s heart beat and sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed the baby had died.

The baby’s death really knocked my spiritual legs right out from under me. I read my Bible, went to church, and served Him. How could God allow this to happen? I was a baby Christian, and even though I knew the Lord, I knew very little about His character. Like so many people in today’s time, I bought into “prosperity thinking,” which says that if you serve God, He will bless you and your life will be filled only with health, wealth, prosperity, and happiness. Yes, I had a lot to learn.

During this time, someone gave me a book on Christian grieving. It said that the final stage of grieving was to be able to thank the Lord for the event that happened. The book made me furious. I literally threw it across the room. That was the dumbest thing that I had ever heard. I found it preposterous that one day I would thank God for this terrible event. One night, I was sitting on the couch ranting to Steve about how unfair God was. I had come to the conclusion that my husband was right—we should have been fishing on Sunday mornings. I will never forget what happened next. He quoted a Bible verse to me. I wish I could remember the verse, but I was in such shock that he knew a verse that I have no idea which one it was. That was the first time I had ever heard him say anything spiritual. What made the difference?

The church displaying the love and compassion of Christ.

I can’t explain to you in words the amazing love our church showed us. Our Sunday school class was a real-life example of being Jesus’ hands and feet. They showed us love in so many ways. This profoundly affected Steve. He realized that no one cared about his past. The church just wanted to love us. And love us they did. Our lives were forever changed by the love shown to us from the body of Christ.

To my sweet baby that I never was able to hold:
Even though you did not get to look into the eyes of a mom and dad who love you so much, I hope you know the impact your life had on our lives. I believe your life helped to change the path of our family. You helped bring us closer to the Lord and our church family.
It is so comforting for me to know that when you left my womb, you opened your eyes for the first time in the perfect place of heaven in the presence of Jesus. You will never have to know the pain and sadness of living in a fallen world. You are a reminder to me that this world is not my home. One day we will be able to look into your eyes, and you will meet your brothers. The time we were apart will seem so small in light of the eternity that we will have together celebrating our Lord and Savior.

I love you more than words can say.
Mom

Jeremiah 1:5a - Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..